What are you passionate about?

According to Google, the definition of passion is the following:

pas·sion

ˈpaSHən/

noun

noun: passion; plural noun: passions; noun: Passion; noun: the Passion

1. 1.

   strong and barely controllable emotion.

   "a man of impetuous passion"

   • a state or outburst of strong emotion.

     "oratory in which he gradually works himself up into a passion"

     synonyms:

     (blind) rage, fit of anger/temper, temper, towering rage, tantrum, fury, frenzy "he worked himself up into a passion"

   • intense sexual love.

     "their all-consuming passion for each other"

     synonyms:

     love, (sexual) desire, lust, ardor, infatuation, lasciviousness, lustfulness "hot with passion"

   • an intense desire or enthusiasm for something.

     "the English have a passion for gardens"

     synonyms:

     fervor, ardor, enthusiasm, eagerness, zeal, zealousness, vigor, fire, fieriness, energy, fervency, animation, spirit, spiritedness, fanaticism More "the passion of activists" enthusiasm, love, mania, fascination, obsession, fanaticism, fixation, compulsion, appetite, addiction; informalthing "his passion for football"

     antonyms:

     apathy

   • a thing arousing enthusiasm.

     "modern furniture is a particular passion of Bill's"

     synonyms:

     obsession, preoccupation, craze, mania, hobbyhorse "French literature is my passion"

2. 2.

   the suffering and death of Jesus.

   "meditations on the Passion of Christ"

   synonyms:

   crucifixion, suffering, agony, martyrdom "the Passion of Christ"

Long definition huh.  Love how they include sexual desire passion first before the "suffering and death of Jesus."

Anyway, what is this post about? 

I was riding around thinking about what I am passionate about these days.  I began pondering all I have been passionate about in the past.

I can remember years ago being super passionate about making purses.  These were little cloth purses that I fell in love with at someone's shop and decided I could make them myself.  Well, I didn't know how to sew so my mom got to "help" me.  I went out and bought hundreds of dollars of fabric and trim, etc to make these purses.  My mom and I (mostly my mom) spent hours sewing these purses up.  I was going to make my fortune with these purses.  I believe the thrift store received most of the purses when I was tired of having them laying around collecting dust.

I jumped into Scrapbooking at one time as well.  Today, my closet is lined with plastic containers and drawers filled with thousands (yes I said thousands) of dollars of scrapbooking materials.

Here lately, I have jumped into several passions:  Bible journaling and cookie making.  The later, I have decided is really not my thing.. but that didn't stop me from buying tons of cookie cutters, etc to try it out though.  And, the Bible journaling has been put on hold because I cannot seem to want to spend time with God.

WHAT??? Did you read that last line?  I am Taking Off the Mask and admitting it.  I have not wanted to spend time with God lately.  I'm struggling ya'll.  BIG TIME.  I am struggling wanting to know more about Him because I have felt betrayed by God.  Oh, I know He hasn't betrayed me.  But, I cannot help the way I feel.

With all of that, comes the guilt of knowing that I should want to spend a lot more time with God.  I even get jealous of other people's faith.  They seem so strong and I am so very weak right now.

But that also opens up for discussion the fact that I KNOW the devil is tempting me in every way possible.  The devil knows that I am at my weakest right now.  He knows that I am struggling.  He knows that when I was passionate about Bible journaling and spending time with God every day, he had no hold on me.  But now, I have abandoned the passion for God that I had just a year and a half ago and the devil is preying on my weaknesses.

Therefore, I have to have a reality check.  I need to evaluate my life in every aspect imaginable. I WANT to feel close to God again.  I WANT to stop struggling with guilt.  I also want to understand my passions. 

You see, you can be passionate about anything.  You can be passionate about your work.  You can be passionate about your family. You can be passionate about working out (wish I was).   You can be passionate about the local bar.  Look and see where you spend the majority of your time.  Define your passions.

I am struggling desperately.  I am desperate to get my passions back to loving God.  Why can't I get there?  Why is this struggle mine?

"The more I seek you" by Kari Jobe is the song I WANT to sing to God.  Lord Jesus, help me seek you more.