"I hate Valentine's Day!!!!!"

What a catchy title huh?  Seems as if I have seen this all over my facebook account, instagram and twitter feed today.  Why is it that we hate Valentine's so much?

For me, I don't necessarily hate Valentine's Day.  I do, however,  miss what used to be in my relationship with Rusty.  What people do not understand is the pain a person feels when they are out and about town.  I will get immediately sad because I don't have the relationship that I see others have.  Rusty and I used to talk about how when we grow old, we were never going to sit at a table and not talk.  We always found something to talk about.  However, these days, there is not much to say.  It is painful because we have always said we would never be that couple who doesn't talk.

You see, Rusty doesn't know sometimes to ask me questions about my day, how I'm feeling or other things he used to do.  We sit in silence so much of our time. It makes me ache sometimes because the pain from it is too much.

So, when we go out, I try to find the positive things to celebrate:  him taking my hand and holding it as I drive; a smile that will come across his face when one of his kids talks about something;  or the stillness we can feel when everything seems chaotic.

I still long to hear him tell me "I love you" just randomly and out of the blue.  He used to do that all the time before the stroke.  I long for him to tell me about what's gone on in his day...even though now his day consists of watching TV and doing laundry.

I may not HATE Valentine's Day altogether but I miss what used to be.  It makes me think how God sometimes is pained as well by us.  I will admit, my relationship to God has changed this past year and a half.  Before the stroke, I found myself growing in my walk with the Lord.  However, post stroke, I struggle daily.  I struggle with the "why's", the "what if's" the "How am I going to make it's".  However, all God is wanting from me is to depend on Him.  I know he has us in the palm of his hands.  How pained he must feel because I feel like I have abandoned God.  I know he hasn't abandoned me. I know God wants me to just crawl into his lap and sit a while.  However, I am struggling even wanting to do this.

 I can play church really well.  But, now it is time to take off the mask and say.... "I'm Kimberly and I am struggling with God right now."

Although I am struggling with God, I'm so thankful He still loves me.  He is the ultimate Valentine.  He loves us unconditionally and love us on purpose!!!  How many times do you love on purpose?

                                              My favorite Valentine's Day song.  Enjoy.