What are you passionate about?

According to Google, the definition of passion is the following:

pas·sion

ˈpaSHən/

noun

noun: passion; plural noun: passions; noun: Passion; noun: the Passion

1. 1.

   strong and barely controllable emotion.

   "a man of impetuous passion"

   • a state or outburst of strong emotion.

     "oratory in which he gradually works himself up into a passion"

     synonyms:

     (blind) rage, fit of anger/temper, temper, towering rage, tantrum, fury, frenzy "he worked himself up into a passion"

   • intense sexual love.

     "their all-consuming passion for each other"

     synonyms:

     love, (sexual) desire, lust, ardor, infatuation, lasciviousness, lustfulness "hot with passion"

   • an intense desire or enthusiasm for something.

     "the English have a passion for gardens"

     synonyms:

     fervor, ardor, enthusiasm, eagerness, zeal, zealousness, vigor, fire, fieriness, energy, fervency, animation, spirit, spiritedness, fanaticism More "the passion of activists" enthusiasm, love, mania, fascination, obsession, fanaticism, fixation, compulsion, appetite, addiction; informalthing "his passion for football"

     antonyms:

     apathy

   • a thing arousing enthusiasm.

     "modern furniture is a particular passion of Bill's"

     synonyms:

     obsession, preoccupation, craze, mania, hobbyhorse "French literature is my passion"

2. 2.

   the suffering and death of Jesus.

   "meditations on the Passion of Christ"

   synonyms:

   crucifixion, suffering, agony, martyrdom "the Passion of Christ"

Long definition huh.  Love how they include sexual desire passion first before the "suffering and death of Jesus."

Anyway, what is this post about? 

I was riding around thinking about what I am passionate about these days.  I began pondering all I have been passionate about in the past.

I can remember years ago being super passionate about making purses.  These were little cloth purses that I fell in love with at someone's shop and decided I could make them myself.  Well, I didn't know how to sew so my mom got to "help" me.  I went out and bought hundreds of dollars of fabric and trim, etc to make these purses.  My mom and I (mostly my mom) spent hours sewing these purses up.  I was going to make my fortune with these purses.  I believe the thrift store received most of the purses when I was tired of having them laying around collecting dust.

I jumped into Scrapbooking at one time as well.  Today, my closet is lined with plastic containers and drawers filled with thousands (yes I said thousands) of dollars of scrapbooking materials.

Here lately, I have jumped into several passions:  Bible journaling and cookie making.  The later, I have decided is really not my thing.. but that didn't stop me from buying tons of cookie cutters, etc to try it out though.  And, the Bible journaling has been put on hold because I cannot seem to want to spend time with God.

WHAT??? Did you read that last line?  I am Taking Off the Mask and admitting it.  I have not wanted to spend time with God lately.  I'm struggling ya'll.  BIG TIME.  I am struggling wanting to know more about Him because I have felt betrayed by God.  Oh, I know He hasn't betrayed me.  But, I cannot help the way I feel.

With all of that, comes the guilt of knowing that I should want to spend a lot more time with God.  I even get jealous of other people's faith.  They seem so strong and I am so very weak right now.

But that also opens up for discussion the fact that I KNOW the devil is tempting me in every way possible.  The devil knows that I am at my weakest right now.  He knows that I am struggling.  He knows that when I was passionate about Bible journaling and spending time with God every day, he had no hold on me.  But now, I have abandoned the passion for God that I had just a year and a half ago and the devil is preying on my weaknesses.

Therefore, I have to have a reality check.  I need to evaluate my life in every aspect imaginable. I WANT to feel close to God again.  I WANT to stop struggling with guilt.  I also want to understand my passions. 

You see, you can be passionate about anything.  You can be passionate about your work.  You can be passionate about your family. You can be passionate about working out (wish I was).   You can be passionate about the local bar.  Look and see where you spend the majority of your time.  Define your passions.

I am struggling desperately.  I am desperate to get my passions back to loving God.  Why can't I get there?  Why is this struggle mine?

"The more I seek you" by Kari Jobe is the song I WANT to sing to God.  Lord Jesus, help me seek you more.

God's Timing

Today I wanted to go to church.  That was a tough decision for me since we haven't been since Christmas.  We haven't been because I have been in limbo.

You see, I was approached about taking a ministry position at a church back in November.  It was the position of worship leader.  I thought long and hard about it and finally decided at the beginning of January to apply.

I interviewed and felt positive about it but the search committee needed to take some time to consider me.  During that time, I did a lot of self reflection and soul searching.  It was during that time I clearly heard God say "No, this is not what you need to do."  However, I wanted to see if the search team would hear the same thing so I did not say anything.

When I was in Parris Island for the week two weeks ago, I decided that when I got home, I was going to notify someone that I didn't feel led to take the position anymore.  Our lives in the Tanner home are just crazy busy.  Well, when I got home, much to my surprise, I had a letter waiting on me from the church that said they felt led to go in a different direction.

I should have been happy.  Right?

Honestly, I was hurt. "Why wasn't I good enough" was my first thought.  I started battling old demons at that point.  Then, I realized how stupid I was being.  I was going to tell them and they just did it first.  It was a total God thing and exactly what needed to happen.

On the same day, I received an email from someone that Rusty used to work with who informed me that had he not had his stroke when he did, he would have gotten let go.  Everyone in Rusty's position was let go with the company realigning how they did things.  Rusty's boss even was let go.  We would have lost all our benefits (short and long term disability). 

When I learned all of this on the same day, God humbled me.  He wanted me to know that He had an ultimate plan all along.  I could not see the bigger picture.  He was looking out for us even if this stroke wasn't exactly how I would have liked for it to have been handled.

Today's message in church was about God's Timing.  It was the most appropriate sermon I could have heard today.   We do not see what God sees. He knows what is best for us.    That is a hard pill for me to swallow most of the time.  I want to direct God.  I want to tell him what I WANT.  He wants to give us exactly what we need.

Not only the message today but one song in particular got to me.  This song is a song I have sung over and over again but today the lyrics just pierced my soul.  I am including the lyrics below the video.  Please take time to look at it and absorb all that you need to.

Hillsong United – Majesty Lyrics

Here I am, humbled by your majesty,
Covered by your grace so free.
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man,
Covered by the blood of the lamb.

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life,
The greatest sacrifice.

Majesty
Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands

Here I stand humbled by the love that You give,
Forgiven so that I can forgive.
So here I stand,
Knowing that I am Your desire,
Sanctified by glory and fire.
And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life,
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty
Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands
Majesty
Majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your Majesty

Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty handed but alive in your hands.
Singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty.
Majesty.

Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty handed but alive in your hands.
Singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty.
Majesty.

"I hate Valentine's Day!!!!!"

What a catchy title huh?  Seems as if I have seen this all over my facebook account, instagram and twitter feed today.  Why is it that we hate Valentine's so much?

For me, I don't necessarily hate Valentine's Day.  I do, however,  miss what used to be in my relationship with Rusty.  What people do not understand is the pain a person feels when they are out and about town.  I will get immediately sad because I don't have the relationship that I see others have.  Rusty and I used to talk about how when we grow old, we were never going to sit at a table and not talk.  We always found something to talk about.  However, these days, there is not much to say.  It is painful because we have always said we would never be that couple who doesn't talk.

You see, Rusty doesn't know sometimes to ask me questions about my day, how I'm feeling or other things he used to do.  We sit in silence so much of our time. It makes me ache sometimes because the pain from it is too much.

So, when we go out, I try to find the positive things to celebrate:  him taking my hand and holding it as I drive; a smile that will come across his face when one of his kids talks about something;  or the stillness we can feel when everything seems chaotic.

I still long to hear him tell me "I love you" just randomly and out of the blue.  He used to do that all the time before the stroke.  I long for him to tell me about what's gone on in his day...even though now his day consists of watching TV and doing laundry.

I may not HATE Valentine's Day altogether but I miss what used to be.  It makes me think how God sometimes is pained as well by us.  I will admit, my relationship to God has changed this past year and a half.  Before the stroke, I found myself growing in my walk with the Lord.  However, post stroke, I struggle daily.  I struggle with the "why's", the "what if's" the "How am I going to make it's".  However, all God is wanting from me is to depend on Him.  I know he has us in the palm of his hands.  How pained he must feel because I feel like I have abandoned God.  I know he hasn't abandoned me. I know God wants me to just crawl into his lap and sit a while.  However, I am struggling even wanting to do this.

 I can play church really well.  But, now it is time to take off the mask and say.... "I'm Kimberly and I am struggling with God right now."

Although I am struggling with God, I'm so thankful He still loves me.  He is the ultimate Valentine.  He loves us unconditionally and love us on purpose!!!  How many times do you love on purpose?

                                              My favorite Valentine's Day song.  Enjoy.

God....I'm angry at you

Ok... how many of have ever said that to God?  Well, I seem to every day these days.  I want to scream and ask him "Why God?  Why us?  Why do this to the Tanner Family?"  For months after Rusty's stroke, I did just that.  I screamed "Why" at God.

Then, one day, I heard God answer me back.  I heard him say "Why not you?"  Wow, what a humbling experience.  Seriously God, why not me?  Why not our family?  We are nothing special.  There should not be any reason why this should not happen to us.

This whole journey has made me aware how many people are watching my reactions.  They are watching my response to our circumstances.  What I hope happens is that I pray God will receive all the honor and glory behind our situation.  I pray that He is glorified.

Our family is nothing special.  I look around and see all the heartbreak going on in this world and realize that our journey isn't that hard.  I have had the opportunity to meet a mother who lost her only son to a motorcycle incident at the age of 25.  I have had the awe inspiring opportunity to witness a friend of mine dealing with his own cancer battle.  I've watched people I've followed on Facebook loose a small child to a fatal disease.  It is when I witness these people that I realize our situation is not so bad.  We are truly blessed.  Rusty is still here and we are still a family.  For that I am thankful.

I won't lie, being thankful isn't hard but staying thankful is.  It is so hard to remember day in and day out to be thankful when another situation presents itself which seems overwhelming.  I get so angry at times with the circumstances. I have to remember that everything we go through is the fire.

I remember a commercial years ago for the Marines.  It showed how a sword is forged and put through the first several times and beaten several times to mold it into a beautiful end product.  I believe that is how we go through life.  I believe God allows us to be put through the fire in order to mold us into the person he wants us to be.  He allows us to experience heartbreak and sadness.  He allows us to experience the good and bad.  The end product is a beautiful product.  But what we have to remember that we become beautiful when we give glory to the Forger.  God is that Forger.

 So, while this journey is difficult, I have to remember that anger will be part of it.  Mainly because  we are human.  We are going to be angry.  God was angry at Adam when he lied in the Garden of Eden.  Anger is a valid emotion.  But, if we harbor that anger day in and day out, we produce bad fruit.  The Fruits of the Spirit are:  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Goodness, Kindness, Gentleness and Self Control.  Nowhere in that list does anger show up.  When we are angry, that just means our tree isn't producing fruit.  We go into a sort of hibernation.  You can be angry but don't wallow in that anger.  Allow God to forge you into the beautiful person you are supposed to be.  Allow him to mold you, bend you, create you.  Be thankful for the circumstances you are put through.  That is the fire.

Anniversary... of sorts

The 12th of every month comes and goes.  To most people, that particular date means nothing to them.  To me, it is the anniversary of the date that Rusty had his stroke.  July 12, 2015.

I have difficulty remembering dates for anything for the most part.  However, that date just resonates with me.  I still cannot believe our lives have changed so much since July 12.

How are things different for us?  Well, for starters, Rusty has trouble getting out what he wants to say.  Most of the time, it takes him several minutes to get out what he is saying to us.  He also forgets easily what has been said to him.  I can tell him something then five minutes later he forgets what I have said.  It is quite frustrating for him and for all of us.

Secondly, it is hard to see a man who worked so hard for his family all his life just sit around and not be active.  I can remember sitting in bed some mornings as he would get ready for work and just admire the man he was.  Rusty is one of the kindest, most unselfish men I've ever known.  He always put his family first.

It is so hard when you cannot do anything about a situation.  No matter how I want to take this away from Rusty, I can't.  I can do nothing.  It makes me sad and hurt.  Some days those emotions are overwhelming.  I'll just sit and tears stream down my eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  If I could move time backwards I would.  I just want one more day with the man I married.  I want one more day to hear his belly laugh.  I want one more day of hearing his crazy, goofy jokes.  There is nothing I can do.

The 12th of every month comes and goes.  One more month away from the day that changed our lives.  I always have to remember that God has a plan.  God has a plan.  GOD HAS A PLAN.  This can be so very hard to remember. No matter what, as long as you seek God's face, He can use your situation to bring glory and honor to Him.  God will get glory and honor.  I am determined not to let the enemy defeat me.

Music speaks to my soul.  There are songs that just pierce through my heart.  They are not always Christian songs.  I am going to share one here for you today.  It is by Tyrone Wells and is called "All I can do".  Please give it a listen.  I pray it speaks to your situation.

The 12th of every month will come and go.  The hands of time they will move like they will move.........

"I can't hold the hands of time
they will move like they will move but
I can hold your head in mine
give my time and give my heart
it's all that I can do"

The Day that Changed Our Lives Forever

July 12, 2015... nothing special about this day.  According to Wikipedia, it is the 193rd day of the year with 172 days left in the year.  No one really special was born on this day; nothing of much significance happened on this day in history.  However, for the Tanner family, this day will forever go down as the day that changed our lives forever.  July 12, 2015 was on a Sunday.  It was supposed to be a day like any other.  However, it soon became our worst nightmare.

I woke up around 8:30 am and just laid in bed for a few.  We were in Mobile, AL for a whirlwind weekend of a wedding, a graduation and a day at the beach.  We were packing up getting reading to head back home. We were staying the weekend with my sister and our time was over.

I got up kind of surprised that Rusty, my husband, wasn't up yet.  He always gets up way earlier than everyone else.  However, he was still sleeping like a baby when I got up.  I went into the kitchen and fixed some breakfast and was sitting at the table with my sister and kids when Rusty got up.  He came into the room and we expected him to speak to us.  He always said "Good Morning" to us or "Hello, Beautiful" to our daughter.  He did not do that so that was the first concern.

Then, he sat down to and proceeded to eat three very large bowls of cereal.  Not completely out of the ordinary but still in excess since we were planning on eating a little bit later for brunch.  During this meal, he was unusually quiet. When he did talk, he wasn't making a lot of sense but nothing that was alarming.  It was small things at first.  I thought he was mad at me or upset at something but could not put my finger on it at the time.

The first really unusual thing was when we asked him to locate our small dog.  To which he responded he didn't see her.  However, my son, Jackson, noticed the dog standing right beside Rusty and pointed her out.  Rusty said "Yes, that's Chloe."  We told him we were asking where she was and he acted like he didn't know.  He just shrugged and moved on.

We all got ready to leave.  Rusty was packing up the cars and doing basic traveling "honey do" type of things.  Nothing yet was overly alarming.  Then, Rusty came in and he just looked funny.  I still couldn't put my finger on it.  But, he was slurring his words a little and making sense less and less as time went on.

I asked him what was wrong with his face.  He said "Nothing."  I asked him to look at his face in the mirror that he looked like his smile was drooping on one side.  He turned to the mirror, then back to me and said "The mirror doesn't lie."  We were perplexed by what he meant.  A few minutes later, he turned to the mirror and back around at me and his whole face looked like it was melting.  I realized he was having a stroke.

We rushed him to the hospital.  From there they did some quick tests and thought he was having a diabetic incident since his sugar was 725 or thereabouts.  However, I knew.  He was starting to say things off the top of his head that made no sense and could not recall basic information like names of family members.  I was scared to death.  The doctor at the first hospital came in and said she believed he was in stroke phase and needed to be transported to another hospital that had a Neurology ICU.

He was transported by ambulance to another hospital where he stayed in ICU for 7 days.  This was the worst time of our lives.  I was scared to death.  This was our rock.  He was the glue for our family and now he was fading.

On the 8th day, he was finally stable enough for me to transport back to Birmingham, AL where a rehabilitation hospital was waiting on receiving him for rehab.  He stayed there the maximum days (two weeks).  He went through so much during that time and I was at home worrying myself sick.

For me, it was the fear of the unknown.  We are not wealthy people by any means.  We haven't "saved for our future" like most people say they do.  We lived paycheck to paycheck and enjoyed doing things with our family.  So my worries were all about how we were going to survive.

Life hasn't been easy for us.  So many things have changed.  I still worry month to month how we are going to make it.  It is not easy when you go from having a paycheck every two weeks to getting paid once a month.  I have learned how to budget creatively and make sure we get through it.  What has really stunk is going from making a GREAT six figure salary to being reduced almost 75-85K a year.

I don't know how we have done it the past year and a half unless I totally and completely give all glory and honor to God.  Sometimes, I hide my face because God has totally taken care of us but I've been mad at God in the process. I am mad that at 46 I have gone from having a loving marital relationship to one strictly that is a caregiver situation. I don't think anyone realizes how exceptionally hard this has been.o

It is hard because no matter who you are you want intimacy.  God created us to be intimate people.  He created man because even God desired an intimate relationship with us.  The want and desire for intimacy doesn't stop just because your health has been affected.  I still desire someone to hug me when I'm sad or  touch me just to show me feeling or emotion. I still long to hear someone tell me they love me without me feeling like I'm having to say it first in order to get it out of them.

Ya'll this is tough.  I am not going to lie.  My heart screams out for this nightmare to be over.  I scream out to have a relationship with my husband like what we used to have.  The realization is though that we may never have that relationship again.  I know God can perform a miracle and I used to think that may happen.  However, the longer we move away from July 12, 2015, the more I realize that we may never have that miracle.

July 12, 2015 will go down as the day that changed our lives forever.

Taking off the Mask

Hello all!  Thanks for your interest in my/our story.  This will be a blog about living life after a stroke.  But, more importantly, it will be about taking off the masks that we wear and being real.  These days it is easy to post perfect pictures showing what seems like a perfect life.  However, why can we not be real with each other?  Why is it so hard to show weakness?  Therefore, this blog will be dedicated to being real about Life's struggles, Life's celebrations and Life's never ending demands.  I hope you find inspiration and encouragement.

This is our life... without the mask......


All I ask is if you read this, please comment to me and let me know!  Thanks!