Hands and Feet of Christ

Wow... I look at my last post and wonder where I fell off with posting.  I guess life just got busy.  Plus, I start wondering if posting is even important anymore.  Do I have anything anyone really wants to hear?  Am I supposed to sit back and battle through the emotions quietly while the rest of the world passes me by?

The struggle is still real for me.  I wake up every day just going through the motions. I question myself all the time.  I question what my purpose is mostly.  I question God constantly.  Why is He allowing this season of life in our family?  I question my feeling toward the church constantly.

I guess that brings me to the purpose of this blog today.

We are supposed to be the hands and feet of Christ.  We are taught that very same thing at a young age.  However, why is the church the BODY but not the hands and feet?  We need our hands and feet to do things in life... at least make them easier.  The church needs the hands and feet as well.  If we are just concerned with the body, we are neglecting things outside our own bodies.  By using our hands and feet, we are normally doing something for someone else.

So, why do I feel like the church has abandoned us?  Why do I not want to go to church anymore?  I ask these questions to myself daily.  I have no desire right now to be in church and my heart aches because of that.  I have always loved being part of the ministry of the church.  However, I feel, that since I've needed that ministry in my life, no one has stepped up to provide it.  Now I know why people get so disenfranchised with the church.  I am not asking for handouts... by no means.  But, just one day, it would be nice if someone actually prayed with me and not told me "I'm praying for you."  I think my stomach is sour from hearing those words.  Do you know how many people have said "I'm praying for you"?????  Countless people have said that.  However, are they really?  or are those empty words?

I feel like I have abandoned everything I know to be right.  But, the issue I am having is that so many other people I talk to feel the same way.  They are also disenfranchised with the church as well.  And the church sits back wondering why membership has fallen off or why their programs are not working now when they once worked.  The church is not meeting people where they need to be met.  They aren't willing to minister outside the body with their hands and feet.

This whole year and a half I have had the opportunity to sit back and be ministered to.  However, I haven't felt anyone taking their time to minister to us.  And, this hurts me to my core.  Yes, we have people who have checked on us from time to time.  I do not want to say we haven't been reached out to at all because that would not be true.  Sometimes I wonder if it is me.  I don't know how to accept the help maybe.

Before the stroke happened, we had people all the time reaching out to us to host a get together in our home, to go to their home for an evening or even just to go out to dinner.  Since the stroke, I can count on one hand... yes ONE HAND... how many people have asked us to do anything at all.  This hurts so much.  It is like now we do not exist in some people's eyes.  We aren't worthy of friendship anymore.. or so it seems.

I wish I had the answers.  I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish my view of the church wasn't what it is today.  Do I still believe in God?  YES.. emphatically yes.  I believe more every day that I have abandoned God and He is still holding onto me.  However, do I feel like the church is doing anything to help?  NO.

Do we as the body of Christ even know what it means anymore to be the hands and feet?  I believe the church believes in their programs... in their ministries WITHIN the church.  We need to be more focused on OUTSIDE the church.  We need to focus on people who will not step foot inside the church because of all the hurt they have experienced there. Putting fliers on people's doors and inviting them to Easter service or VBS this summer isn't meeting people where they need to be met.  Why don't we go to the Emergency Rooms of hospitals and pray with people who are battling for their sanity while a loved one is battling for their life?  Why don't we go to the baseball field and hand out water on a hot July day to baseball parents who have found their Sunday church on the baseball field?  Why don't we go to the bars and figure out why people find their god in the bottle of beer and with the camaraderie of the people they can commiserate with there? Why do we hole ourselves up in the church building waiting for people to join us instead of joining them and meeting their needs where they are?

I am just as guilty.  When I was attending church, I did not feel the need to get out of my comfort zone of the church walls.  I was fine when people were coming to me but going out to others wasn't in my vocabulary.  Yes, I went on mission trips.  It is easy to minister to people who live somewhere else in worse conditions than I live in.  However, I have realized that ministry is next door.  It is in our backyards and we don't do it.

I hope I didn't offend any of my 'church friends' by this post.  That is not my intention.  I do hope I have placed the mirror out there, though, for people to take a long hard look.  I don't expect anyone to pick up the phone and call me and "pray" for me over the phone... or worse.. show up at my doorstep and ask to do the same thing.  Now, it would be a moot point since I've posted about it.. don't you think?    I do hope you analyze your life and ask are you being the hands and feet of Christ or the body only.

I always leave a song.  This one has always spoken to me.  If you tell someone you are going to pray for them... DO IT!!!! MEAN IT!!!!

I Cor 12:15-20

¹⁵ Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸ But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹ If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts, but one body
  

I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS

Typing in all CAPS represents someone screaming in type language.  Today I want to scream in ALL CAPS.

Some days this journey is not bad but other days it is incredibly hard to walk.  This week has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster.  All I want to do is  go to the middle of a field and scream my head off and scream and scream and SCREAM.

This week has been incredibly hard for me.  I continue to beat myself up for the emotions I am going through.  I am constantly worried that I am just being over dramatic or unsympathetic to what Rusty has going through.  Then other days I JUST WANT TO SCREAM.

So what has brought this on?  Well, the main thing is that I feel Rusty has lost all motivation to help our family in any way he can.  Right now, he cannot offer financial support but what he can do is help around the house.  But, every day this week, I've come home to no supper and nothing done around the house. 

I MEAN NOTHING DONE AROUND THE HOUSE... did I say that already?

I don't want Rusty to be a slave around the house but I think that if he did do things around here it helps him in so many ways:  it gets him off the couch, it makes him focus on important things and it keeps him from sleeping all day.  This week he has done NOTHING.  I have asked him several times to pick up a pile of clothes and take them up (not a big pile mind you).  Those clothes are still sitting in the same place they were LAST WEEK!!!!!  I asked him last night if he would run to the grocery store to get me some lunch meals for work.  Did he do it?  NO! 

I'm just so heartbroken that today it kills me.  I want Rusty to be the man he was when we got married.  He just isn't.  I am struggling to hold this all together but I am barely holding on by a hang nail these days.

I try to talk to him but he won't even talk back to me anymore.  I'm just crushed.  Even as I type this tears are streaming down my eyes.   I miss my husband.  I miss our laughter.  I even miss our fighting.  I miss interaction from my spouse, my best friend.

Ya'll, I am struggling to hold it together.  Today I even told him that I dread coming home every afternoon.  And, today, I did.  Seems as if when I have a long or bad day at work, coming home just makes it worse.  I work my tail off everyday just to keep our family together and he sits, watching TV, sleeping, DOING NOTHING. 

I WANT TO SCREAM...... I scream on the inside though.  I try to show a strong front.  It is only through this blog that I can somewhat take the mask off.  Sometimes I am even afraid of my own words.  I type them out and then erase them for fear of how others will perceive me.  I am afraid of what is down the road for us.  I want to hold it all together but am afraid I am not strong enough. 

WHY GOD???? Now I'm screaming at YOU!!!!!  WHY???? 

I always leave you with a song to watch and tonight will be no different.  I sat down tonight at my piano and played this song and sang.  I got through half of it and just couldn't sing anymore for the tears. I hope you enjoy it.

Psalm 34:18 (ESV)

¹⁸ The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit.

What are you passionate about?

According to Google, the definition of passion is the following:

pas·sion

ˈpaSHən/

noun

noun: passion; plural noun: passions; noun: Passion; noun: the Passion

1. 1.

   strong and barely controllable emotion.

   "a man of impetuous passion"

   • a state or outburst of strong emotion.

     "oratory in which he gradually works himself up into a passion"

     synonyms:

     (blind) rage, fit of anger/temper, temper, towering rage, tantrum, fury, frenzy "he worked himself up into a passion"

   • intense sexual love.

     "their all-consuming passion for each other"

     synonyms:

     love, (sexual) desire, lust, ardor, infatuation, lasciviousness, lustfulness "hot with passion"

   • an intense desire or enthusiasm for something.

     "the English have a passion for gardens"

     synonyms:

     fervor, ardor, enthusiasm, eagerness, zeal, zealousness, vigor, fire, fieriness, energy, fervency, animation, spirit, spiritedness, fanaticism More "the passion of activists" enthusiasm, love, mania, fascination, obsession, fanaticism, fixation, compulsion, appetite, addiction; informalthing "his passion for football"

     antonyms:

     apathy

   • a thing arousing enthusiasm.

     "modern furniture is a particular passion of Bill's"

     synonyms:

     obsession, preoccupation, craze, mania, hobbyhorse "French literature is my passion"

2. 2.

   the suffering and death of Jesus.

   "meditations on the Passion of Christ"

   synonyms:

   crucifixion, suffering, agony, martyrdom "the Passion of Christ"

Long definition huh.  Love how they include sexual desire passion first before the "suffering and death of Jesus."

Anyway, what is this post about? 

I was riding around thinking about what I am passionate about these days.  I began pondering all I have been passionate about in the past.

I can remember years ago being super passionate about making purses.  These were little cloth purses that I fell in love with at someone's shop and decided I could make them myself.  Well, I didn't know how to sew so my mom got to "help" me.  I went out and bought hundreds of dollars of fabric and trim, etc to make these purses.  My mom and I (mostly my mom) spent hours sewing these purses up.  I was going to make my fortune with these purses.  I believe the thrift store received most of the purses when I was tired of having them laying around collecting dust.

I jumped into Scrapbooking at one time as well.  Today, my closet is lined with plastic containers and drawers filled with thousands (yes I said thousands) of dollars of scrapbooking materials.

Here lately, I have jumped into several passions:  Bible journaling and cookie making.  The later, I have decided is really not my thing.. but that didn't stop me from buying tons of cookie cutters, etc to try it out though.  And, the Bible journaling has been put on hold because I cannot seem to want to spend time with God.

WHAT??? Did you read that last line?  I am Taking Off the Mask and admitting it.  I have not wanted to spend time with God lately.  I'm struggling ya'll.  BIG TIME.  I am struggling wanting to know more about Him because I have felt betrayed by God.  Oh, I know He hasn't betrayed me.  But, I cannot help the way I feel.

With all of that, comes the guilt of knowing that I should want to spend a lot more time with God.  I even get jealous of other people's faith.  They seem so strong and I am so very weak right now.

But that also opens up for discussion the fact that I KNOW the devil is tempting me in every way possible.  The devil knows that I am at my weakest right now.  He knows that I am struggling.  He knows that when I was passionate about Bible journaling and spending time with God every day, he had no hold on me.  But now, I have abandoned the passion for God that I had just a year and a half ago and the devil is preying on my weaknesses.

Therefore, I have to have a reality check.  I need to evaluate my life in every aspect imaginable. I WANT to feel close to God again.  I WANT to stop struggling with guilt.  I also want to understand my passions. 

You see, you can be passionate about anything.  You can be passionate about your work.  You can be passionate about your family. You can be passionate about working out (wish I was).   You can be passionate about the local bar.  Look and see where you spend the majority of your time.  Define your passions.

I am struggling desperately.  I am desperate to get my passions back to loving God.  Why can't I get there?  Why is this struggle mine?

"The more I seek you" by Kari Jobe is the song I WANT to sing to God.  Lord Jesus, help me seek you more.

God's Timing

Today I wanted to go to church.  That was a tough decision for me since we haven't been since Christmas.  We haven't been because I have been in limbo.

You see, I was approached about taking a ministry position at a church back in November.  It was the position of worship leader.  I thought long and hard about it and finally decided at the beginning of January to apply.

I interviewed and felt positive about it but the search committee needed to take some time to consider me.  During that time, I did a lot of self reflection and soul searching.  It was during that time I clearly heard God say "No, this is not what you need to do."  However, I wanted to see if the search team would hear the same thing so I did not say anything.

When I was in Parris Island for the week two weeks ago, I decided that when I got home, I was going to notify someone that I didn't feel led to take the position anymore.  Our lives in the Tanner home are just crazy busy.  Well, when I got home, much to my surprise, I had a letter waiting on me from the church that said they felt led to go in a different direction.

I should have been happy.  Right?

Honestly, I was hurt. "Why wasn't I good enough" was my first thought.  I started battling old demons at that point.  Then, I realized how stupid I was being.  I was going to tell them and they just did it first.  It was a total God thing and exactly what needed to happen.

On the same day, I received an email from someone that Rusty used to work with who informed me that had he not had his stroke when he did, he would have gotten let go.  Everyone in Rusty's position was let go with the company realigning how they did things.  Rusty's boss even was let go.  We would have lost all our benefits (short and long term disability). 

When I learned all of this on the same day, God humbled me.  He wanted me to know that He had an ultimate plan all along.  I could not see the bigger picture.  He was looking out for us even if this stroke wasn't exactly how I would have liked for it to have been handled.

Today's message in church was about God's Timing.  It was the most appropriate sermon I could have heard today.   We do not see what God sees. He knows what is best for us.    That is a hard pill for me to swallow most of the time.  I want to direct God.  I want to tell him what I WANT.  He wants to give us exactly what we need.

Not only the message today but one song in particular got to me.  This song is a song I have sung over and over again but today the lyrics just pierced my soul.  I am including the lyrics below the video.  Please take time to look at it and absorb all that you need to.

Hillsong United – Majesty Lyrics

Here I am, humbled by your majesty,
Covered by your grace so free.
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man,
Covered by the blood of the lamb.

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life,
The greatest sacrifice.

Majesty
Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands

Here I stand humbled by the love that You give,
Forgiven so that I can forgive.
So here I stand,
Knowing that I am Your desire,
Sanctified by glory and fire.
And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life,
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty
Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands
Majesty
Majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your Majesty

Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty handed but alive in your hands.
Singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty.
Majesty.

Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty handed but alive in your hands.
Singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty.
Majesty.

"I hate Valentine's Day!!!!!"

What a catchy title huh?  Seems as if I have seen this all over my facebook account, instagram and twitter feed today.  Why is it that we hate Valentine's so much?

For me, I don't necessarily hate Valentine's Day.  I do, however,  miss what used to be in my relationship with Rusty.  What people do not understand is the pain a person feels when they are out and about town.  I will get immediately sad because I don't have the relationship that I see others have.  Rusty and I used to talk about how when we grow old, we were never going to sit at a table and not talk.  We always found something to talk about.  However, these days, there is not much to say.  It is painful because we have always said we would never be that couple who doesn't talk.

You see, Rusty doesn't know sometimes to ask me questions about my day, how I'm feeling or other things he used to do.  We sit in silence so much of our time. It makes me ache sometimes because the pain from it is too much.

So, when we go out, I try to find the positive things to celebrate:  him taking my hand and holding it as I drive; a smile that will come across his face when one of his kids talks about something;  or the stillness we can feel when everything seems chaotic.

I still long to hear him tell me "I love you" just randomly and out of the blue.  He used to do that all the time before the stroke.  I long for him to tell me about what's gone on in his day...even though now his day consists of watching TV and doing laundry.

I may not HATE Valentine's Day altogether but I miss what used to be.  It makes me think how God sometimes is pained as well by us.  I will admit, my relationship to God has changed this past year and a half.  Before the stroke, I found myself growing in my walk with the Lord.  However, post stroke, I struggle daily.  I struggle with the "why's", the "what if's" the "How am I going to make it's".  However, all God is wanting from me is to depend on Him.  I know he has us in the palm of his hands.  How pained he must feel because I feel like I have abandoned God.  I know he hasn't abandoned me. I know God wants me to just crawl into his lap and sit a while.  However, I am struggling even wanting to do this.

 I can play church really well.  But, now it is time to take off the mask and say.... "I'm Kimberly and I am struggling with God right now."

Although I am struggling with God, I'm so thankful He still loves me.  He is the ultimate Valentine.  He loves us unconditionally and love us on purpose!!!  How many times do you love on purpose?

                                              My favorite Valentine's Day song.  Enjoy.

God....I'm angry at you

Ok... how many of have ever said that to God?  Well, I seem to every day these days.  I want to scream and ask him "Why God?  Why us?  Why do this to the Tanner Family?"  For months after Rusty's stroke, I did just that.  I screamed "Why" at God.

Then, one day, I heard God answer me back.  I heard him say "Why not you?"  Wow, what a humbling experience.  Seriously God, why not me?  Why not our family?  We are nothing special.  There should not be any reason why this should not happen to us.

This whole journey has made me aware how many people are watching my reactions.  They are watching my response to our circumstances.  What I hope happens is that I pray God will receive all the honor and glory behind our situation.  I pray that He is glorified.

Our family is nothing special.  I look around and see all the heartbreak going on in this world and realize that our journey isn't that hard.  I have had the opportunity to meet a mother who lost her only son to a motorcycle incident at the age of 25.  I have had the awe inspiring opportunity to witness a friend of mine dealing with his own cancer battle.  I've watched people I've followed on Facebook loose a small child to a fatal disease.  It is when I witness these people that I realize our situation is not so bad.  We are truly blessed.  Rusty is still here and we are still a family.  For that I am thankful.

I won't lie, being thankful isn't hard but staying thankful is.  It is so hard to remember day in and day out to be thankful when another situation presents itself which seems overwhelming.  I get so angry at times with the circumstances. I have to remember that everything we go through is the fire.

I remember a commercial years ago for the Marines.  It showed how a sword is forged and put through the first several times and beaten several times to mold it into a beautiful end product.  I believe that is how we go through life.  I believe God allows us to be put through the fire in order to mold us into the person he wants us to be.  He allows us to experience heartbreak and sadness.  He allows us to experience the good and bad.  The end product is a beautiful product.  But what we have to remember that we become beautiful when we give glory to the Forger.  God is that Forger.

 So, while this journey is difficult, I have to remember that anger will be part of it.  Mainly because  we are human.  We are going to be angry.  God was angry at Adam when he lied in the Garden of Eden.  Anger is a valid emotion.  But, if we harbor that anger day in and day out, we produce bad fruit.  The Fruits of the Spirit are:  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Goodness, Kindness, Gentleness and Self Control.  Nowhere in that list does anger show up.  When we are angry, that just means our tree isn't producing fruit.  We go into a sort of hibernation.  You can be angry but don't wallow in that anger.  Allow God to forge you into the beautiful person you are supposed to be.  Allow him to mold you, bend you, create you.  Be thankful for the circumstances you are put through.  That is the fire.

Anniversary... of sorts

The 12th of every month comes and goes.  To most people, that particular date means nothing to them.  To me, it is the anniversary of the date that Rusty had his stroke.  July 12, 2015.

I have difficulty remembering dates for anything for the most part.  However, that date just resonates with me.  I still cannot believe our lives have changed so much since July 12.

How are things different for us?  Well, for starters, Rusty has trouble getting out what he wants to say.  Most of the time, it takes him several minutes to get out what he is saying to us.  He also forgets easily what has been said to him.  I can tell him something then five minutes later he forgets what I have said.  It is quite frustrating for him and for all of us.

Secondly, it is hard to see a man who worked so hard for his family all his life just sit around and not be active.  I can remember sitting in bed some mornings as he would get ready for work and just admire the man he was.  Rusty is one of the kindest, most unselfish men I've ever known.  He always put his family first.

It is so hard when you cannot do anything about a situation.  No matter how I want to take this away from Rusty, I can't.  I can do nothing.  It makes me sad and hurt.  Some days those emotions are overwhelming.  I'll just sit and tears stream down my eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  If I could move time backwards I would.  I just want one more day with the man I married.  I want one more day to hear his belly laugh.  I want one more day of hearing his crazy, goofy jokes.  There is nothing I can do.

The 12th of every month comes and goes.  One more month away from the day that changed our lives.  I always have to remember that God has a plan.  God has a plan.  GOD HAS A PLAN.  This can be so very hard to remember. No matter what, as long as you seek God's face, He can use your situation to bring glory and honor to Him.  God will get glory and honor.  I am determined not to let the enemy defeat me.

Music speaks to my soul.  There are songs that just pierce through my heart.  They are not always Christian songs.  I am going to share one here for you today.  It is by Tyrone Wells and is called "All I can do".  Please give it a listen.  I pray it speaks to your situation.

The 12th of every month will come and go.  The hands of time they will move like they will move.........

"I can't hold the hands of time
they will move like they will move but
I can hold your head in mine
give my time and give my heart
it's all that I can do"