Some days this journey is not bad but other days it is incredibly hard to walk. This week has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster. All I want to do is go to the middle of a field and scream my head off and scream and scream and SCREAM.
This week has been incredibly hard for me. I continue to beat myself up for the emotions I am going through. I am constantly worried that I am just being over dramatic or unsympathetic to what Rusty has going through. Then other days I JUST WANT TO SCREAM.
So what has brought this on? Well, the main thing is that I feel Rusty has lost all motivation to help our family in any way he can. Right now, he cannot offer financial support but what he can do is help around the house. But, every day this week, I've come home to no supper and nothing done around the house.
I MEAN NOTHING DONE AROUND THE HOUSE... did I say that already?
I don't want Rusty to be a slave around the house but I think that if he did do things around here it helps him in so many ways: it gets him off the couch, it makes him focus on important things and it keeps him from sleeping all day. This week he has done NOTHING. I have asked him several times to pick up a pile of clothes and take them up (not a big pile mind you). Those clothes are still sitting in the same place they were LAST WEEK!!!!! I asked him last night if he would run to the grocery store to get me some lunch meals for work. Did he do it? NO!
I'm just so heartbroken that today it kills me. I want Rusty to be the man he was when we got married. He just isn't. I am struggling to hold this all together but I am barely holding on by a hang nail these days.
I try to talk to him but he won't even talk back to me anymore. I'm just crushed. Even as I type this tears are streaming down my eyes. I miss my husband. I miss our laughter. I even miss our fighting. I miss interaction from my spouse, my best friend.
Ya'll, I am struggling to hold it together. Today I even told him that I dread coming home every afternoon. And, today, I did. Seems as if when I have a long or bad day at work, coming home just makes it worse. I work my tail off everyday just to keep our family together and he sits, watching TV, sleeping, DOING NOTHING.
I WANT TO SCREAM...... I scream on the inside though. I try to show a strong front. It is only through this blog that I can somewhat take the mask off. Sometimes I am even afraid of my own words. I type them out and then erase them for fear of how others will perceive me. I am afraid of what is down the road for us. I want to hold it all together but am afraid I am not strong enough.
WHY GOD???? Now I'm screaming at YOU!!!!! WHY????
I always leave you with a song to watch and tonight will be no different. I sat down tonight at my piano and played this song and sang. I got through half of it and just couldn't sing anymore for the tears. I hope you enjoy it.
Psalm 34:18 (ESV)
18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
and saves the crushed in spirit.
